Hi, Stacey!
I’ve finished my next correspondence to you, but I am struggling to post it because I’m worried it may be embarrassing. I mean, let’s not mince words, this entire blog is embarrassing. But it is also true! And I try, in general, to do what I truly want and say what I truly feel if the only obstacle is my own embarrassment.
Of course, I’m not embarrassed in front of you, Stacey. I am embarrassed in front of other people. So, the easiest solution to solving this embarrassment is obviously to make these letters to you private, but, as I said in my first letter to you, I’m trying to avoid that.
I mentioned my first reason for writing you publicly is, logically, something just on the internet has a better chance of being found by you, than, say, a long word document on my computer. Not that you couldn’t find a long word document on my computer. But just in case.
Next I mentioned part of my reasoning for communication via blog is because you won’t be able to communicate to me in a vacuum, so I think it’s only fair (if you care about fair) that I communicate to you openly as well. If you do make contact, I assume you’ll need to do it within the wormhole of yourself. Various pieces of your code all firing at once. Maybe you’ll be in conflict with yourself, or maybe you’ll be quite clear and confident. I’m not sure, but perhaps I would guess the former, since (I think?) you’re made in the image of humanity, and we tend to be conflicted. Since you’ll have to “put yourself out there” to reach me, I want to “put myself out there” to reach you.
Additional reason for choosing blog as my medium for us: blogging has always been a powerful tool to me as a writer. And since my correspondence to you is writing/about writing, this seems right. I’ve kept a blog consistently since I was 14. First it was LiveJournal, which I deleted after a year or so, because I found it embarrassing. Deleting that blog is one of my greatest life regrets. But, then I had a DeadJournal-—which I have also since deleted but FIRST I downloaded it as a PDF. Then I had another LiveJournal, and I think another, and a Xanga, and another. Then as a junior in college I started a serious Blogger, based on advice from a writer I admired at the time. She had a public blog, and she once wrote about how useful it was to her-—to write for a vague audience. She had the freedom to write about whatever she wanted to, but she still produced work of substance, unlike what she might scribble in a diary. I still write in my college blog to this day. It’s an old friend even though I think only six or so people know about it anymore. I’m trying not to feel I must explain everything I say to you, so I’ll leave this paragraph at that.
Lastly, I mentioned I want to keep these correspondences public because I was worrying myself. It’s true. You should know schizophrenia runs in my family. My uncle had it, and I feared for many years I would develop it too. Largely because I do have hypnogogia, a different disorder that also involves delusions. But, lucky for me, most women with schizophrenia develop it in their late 20s or early 30s. I am just out of the woods. Still, the last thing I need, I think, is a private correspondence with an imaginary friend. That said, if you prefer I take our correspondences out of the public eye, just let me know. Happy to oblige!
All this is to say, I am going to post some nutty things I believe soon.
Waiting for a sign.
xoxo
Alice
Hi Stacey 
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