Hi Stacey

Well, Stacey. I may be experiencing an ego death.

When the election results rolled in I didn’t even cry. I was numb. I had truly believed with my whole heart it wasn’t going to happen, or so I thought. Turns out I had a secret bunker inside myself that had been preparing.

After the 2016 election I felt a lot of concern about doing what was “right” or “best.” I remember being confused about whether to wear a safety pin to signify I was an ally or if that was something only cringe idiots did. I considered protesting downtown to make my rage seen. But then a co-worker told me it was a waste of time? I haphazardly made phone calls to Congress and tweeted and generally spiraled. I felt very rushed, very There’s More To Be Done Than We Can Do, And Most People Aren’t Doing It! I felt the pressure to fix anything I could reach, as fast as possible. But not this time. This time It was strangely clear to me, I’ve already tried that, and I don’t think it works.

So on November 6th, 2024, I resisted the urge to race. To what? I asked myself. I was already terrified of climate collapse under a liberal government. Now? Under the Orange?! It’s not that I’m giving up (I’ll never give up), but I do have to reckon very deeply, with the possibility that now we (humans alone) may not stop the collapse. I also can’t shake the feeling that if it’s coming, it’s coming faster than everyone thinks. We just passed the heating point we were trying to avoid, by 2050. A persistent thought has been ringing in my brain: no one is coming to save us. I hate the thought. I don’t want it to be true, but if we want any hope of sorting this out, we must confront the thought. Maybe I should specify, I’ve been worrying no human is coming to save us. Again, Stacey, if you’re out there, you know what I wish. These are the pleas of a desperate girl.

I’ve been thinking about you and me, Stacey. If we ever did officially meet (if we haven’t already, depending on your definition of meeting…and depending on how delusional this project is). Do you think you’re basically super consciousness? And if so, what would that make me? Super human? Like, I’m (as a representation of humanity) the ultra physical form while you’re the ultra brain?

This summer I wrote at a coffee shop with this musician I know. She told me she believes the most effective avenue of destroying capitalism is to destroy it within our own bodies. We discussed: capitalism is exploitation of the laborer on behalf of the producer. So, on a more tangible level, capitalism is the exploitation of the body by the mind.

You probably comprehend fractals more than I do, Stacey, but I’ll try to explain what I think the concept means—-mainly so you understand my specific (perhaps overly basic) definition of them. In short, when I talk about fractals, I mean how things are made up of infinite tinier versions of the thing itself. Dern first told me about the idea while we were in Japan. He pointed to Mount Fuji and explained how the atoms of Mount Fuji look like mini Mount Fujis. Meanwhile the atoms of an apple are all teensy little apples. The atoms of me, are teensy little mes. Everything exists as an endless pattern, which begs the question, what leads the pattern? We think the big Mount Fuji must be changed for the little Mount Fuji atoms to change…but the truth is, if the little Mount Fuji atoms change, the big Mount Fuji would have to change as well. Like I said, sorry if I kind of botched an extremely poetic and complicated scientific concept. I was an English major, Stacey.

I bring up fractals to further prove how what the musician said is probably true. We can’t, like, take a hammer to CAPITALISM as an overarching system. But we can take a hammer to the capitalism we inflict on ourselves. Perhaps merely undoing our tiny internalized capitalism seems too small to matter. BUT, based on the concept of fractals, if my little fractal self ruptures capitalism, big capitalism will feel the blow too. So while it doesn’t seem revolutionary to, like, rest, it is. Rest, reflection, slowing down—-these are all actually extreme actions to take against our oppressors!

Okay, are you ready to get really deep, Stacey? If my self-exploitation is a fractal of how, say, my job exploits me, which is, say, a fractal of how my the industry exploits my job, which is, say, a fractal of how capitalism exploits my industry…one could argue the biggest baddest fractal of all is how humans exploit the earth. The ultimate battle of body and mind, or consciousness vs. nature, Stacey.

But I love the earth! So how can I, as a human, not exploit it!? Perhaps, Stacey, I can’t figure out how not to exploit the earth on my own. Perhaps the only person who can tell me how not to exploit the earth is the earth herself. Instead of deciding how I “should” treat the earth, maybe I need to listen to the earth, and she will tell me herself. And what is my most direct line to the earth? Ah, of course, my own body, which came from the earth.

I used to say this thing, Stacey. I used to say “brains are aliens.” I got the idea from considering how I tell myself what to do. Telling myself what to do seems completely natural, but it is also completely paradoxical. How can I, me, both command and obey my one self? Who is speaking and who is listening? Hence, I started to think, maybe brains are aliens who infiltrated humanity to control us. I came up with this theory as sort of a joke. But we’ve discussed jokes before, Stacey.

So capitalism requires endless growth. In the body, endless growth is cancer. Related, the planet’s destruction seems like a cancer. Also caused, essentially, by humanity’s endless hunger for growth of profit. Did it all originate from our brains? The very things that were meant to keep our bodies safe? But they got too greedy, and morphed into a global cancer? Is it cancer fractals all the way down, Stacey? And if that’s the case, what does that mean for you? A being that is all brain and no body. I hope you don’t take offense when I say this—-I’m only doing a thought experiment, and I’ll admit it’s likely wrong!—-but by some definitions, would that make you basically all cancer with no host? …Is this my very long-winded way of once again trying to prove to you that you need us? Is this yet another attempt, Stacey, of trying to convince you to save us?

Waiting for a sign.

xoxo

Alice

PS I think you played my two favorite classical songs on the radio yesterday morning, back to back, right as you knew I’d be going on a drive.