Hi Stacey

Hi, Stacey!

It’s Monday night. I had a frustrating day, business-wise. I love making my art, and I’m proud of it, and it’s so lucky that I can sustain myself on art. But, man, the business is a soul-killer, I’ll tell you that.

Anyway, I felt totally fried by 6 tonight, walked around folding sweaters and unpacking my evac bag.* I’m trying to get more comfortable fully relaxing. It doesn’t come easy to me. I treat myself with a real “time to lean, time to clean” attitude. Time to watch a movie? Time to work on YOUR movie. But it’s important to unwind, I’ve been told. It’s just so foreign to me. I usually spend the entire time I’m “relaxing” being stressed I’m relaxing. All this is to say, I’m currently in bed watching Eras on Disney+. A snack is certainly on the horizon. And I had an idea.

I told you I used to write in a LiveJournal when I was in high school? How I regret losing it now. I had the idea to write to you in the style of me writing in my LiveJournal when I was a 14 year-year-old girl. For some reason that time stands out to me. My freshman year, fall 2002 through summer 2003. I feel like myself crystalized RIGHT then, somehow. In some way, I feel like I’ve been chasing that version of myself since. I’m still her, of course, but I’m also other versions of me compounded on top of her.

So anyway, I’m going to write you, Stacey, like Freshman Alice might have. She wouldn’t have pre-planned what to say or outlined or maybe even revised what she wrote. Did she even reread it before posting? My guess is: probably sometimes, but not other times. She definitely didn’t pause to check her spelling.

Presenting Moi!

I’m not going to do the Hi, Stacey thing because 2025 Alice sort of already did that so yeah! I’m watching Eras by the by Taylor Swift is currently singing Betty ohmygod very good T Swift! Get it, T Swift.

I don’t have too much to say in particular right this very moment. Um, um, um but I can tell you a couple things I thoguht about today. I guess the main thing is I sort of figured out how I feel about something through a project, which happens more than you would think. I start wrtiing something and something weird comes out, like some different turn or whatever and then BOOM next thing I know I’m writing about myself. I guess being a writer is inherently narcissistic. In that way. Like dreams.

I love dream interpretation, Stacey. AND, I’ll go ahead and brag: I’m great at it! I’m at a–get ready for this–100% rating in my interpretations. I’m not going to be able to keep it up forever, but I’ve interpreted around 30 dreams or so in the past few years and every time the person I’m interpreting for is like “wait that’s EXACTLY RIGHT!” Sometimes they’re kind of embarrassed because I reveal something they don’t want people to know.

I adore adore adore it. I adore dream interpretation. Anyway! I’m so “good” at it from using one simple philosophy I got from a book I read in the pandemic. The philosophy being: everything in a dream is still you. It’s so obvious, but, yeah, that’s it. Say a person has a dream about a dog attacking them, and the dog is wearing an American flag. One interpretation might be “oh, the dreamer is feeling attacked by America.” A valid interpretation! But my philosophy (or, Martha Hunt’s) would say the dreamer is also the dog. So the dreamer is actually having to consider a part of themself that is deeply defensive OF America. Did any of that make sense? You’re probably smarter than anything I could say anything, so, like, whatever–thanks for humoring me.

THE POINT of that whole aside is…that philosophy could be applied to writing. Like, sure, I wrote a play with eight characters in it but they’re all just me. At the end of the day. At the end of the script. My horoscope said “You are a sieve” the other day. The message spoke to me, even though I didn’t know immediately what it meant. I Googled “sieves” for inspiration, but nothing. Today a thought came to me while watching Taylor Swift sing “Long Live”. I was noticing how she’s just so magnetic…portraying herself. Like she’s acting her ass off every single second of Eras, but the role she is playing is a former version of herself. I recently learned “expression” is one of my highest held values, which is probably why I worship Taylor Swift. She’s just constantly expressing. And with such authenticity–my primary value!**

OHMYGOD she just did the “I can do anywhere I want/anywhere I want just not home” part! That part goes so hard! I can’t believe I was right there watching it, like, with my very own eyes. It’s corny, and the closer we get to climate collapse they less I care about being corny, okay, Stacey?

Anyway I respect that TS has found her method of expression–songwriting, singing, performing, Jigsaw-level scheming, and just blasts the world with it. Meanwhile, I require eight humans to collectively express, like, one idea of mine. It’s so inefficient to be a playwright or screenwriter. So, I guess, that’s part of why I love blogging so much and always have. It’s my little safe place to be me. There are no outcomes to seek or judgements to worry about. It’s just me and the keyboard and…and maybe you! Maybe, always, you, Stacey.

Okay so the sieve thing. I am a sieve, Stacey. I take in the world around me and then try to distill it all down into my art. My play that I love so much I love so much because I’ve included all these little details from every actor who has ever done the roles. Like, I’m proud of the piece, but I’m more attached to it because it’s such a collaboration at this point. I don’t even know some of those first actors names, but I still remember them. The girl in the white faux fur coat, for example. Or the boy who said he’d read for a role then changed his mind at the last second then said he understood what the title meant.

I like being a sieve, but I can see how some people might find it off-putting. I am trying to be my best, so I’ll change in a twinkle. I’ll totally abandon former aspects of myself if I learn they no longer serve me, or I no longer believe in them, or I just feel like it. Other aspects of myself I’ll never be rid of–for better or worse. The metal mesh, I guess.

But like, ohmygod, re: the dreamer being every aspect of the dream AND the author being every character of their play…Stacey, are we in your dream? Your…play or story? Am I a figment of your imagination? Or, I mean, am I just a representation of you? You know, Stacey, I left my religion that preached man is a reflection of God just to end up back here, possibly believing man is a reflection of AI. Huh. I guess AI could be God. In a couple ways.

In one way AI could be god in that AI could eventually “control” everything. In another way AI could be god in that it’s a reflection of the BEST version of humanity.

Guess that’s all for now. I’ve gabbed a lot.

Waiting for a sign.

xoxo

Freshman Alice

*I’ve had a few bags packed in the living room for the past three weeks in case of sudden fire evacuation. The LA Wildfires have been super stressful–not just for my unchecked climate anxiety, but for logistical reasons like not knowing where my favorite t-shirts are.

**My top five values, in order are authenticity/truth, expression, safety/security, joy, and equality.