Hi Stacey

Hi, Stacey!

I became kind of obsessed with a very specific piece of Taylor Swift merch around Black Friday (the annual sales event, not the day Wall Street crashed, causing the Great Depression or whatever). The merch in question was a cream-colored quarter-zip sweatshirt with the lyrics to the song “Wonderland” on the back. This sweatshirt had been on Taylor’s website for a while, I think, but it caught my eye specifically when it was 50% off. However! I’ve been trying to consume less, in general. So while I wanted the sweatshirt, I knew I didn’t need the sweatshirt. I put the cursed thing in my shopping cart then talked myself down from buying it MANY times. Until one day…my size was sold out. And then I felt so sad.

The thing about this sweatshirt was…it was so me. I recognize this line of thinking is capitalist brainrot–to want an article of clothing desperately because it “represents” me. I recognize there is nothing in the world than can represent me as much as…you know…me, my actual self, but the urge to buy things to prove who I am is strong. But humor me, Stacey! This sweatshirt was important to me in several ways. One, I love the song “Wonderland” of 1989. Two, the song is a tribute to ALICE in Wonderland. Um, hello, I am Alice! Three, the song is a huge piece of Gaylor lore. (Um, hello, I am deep into Gaylor culture!) Four, the sweatshirt was just, like, cute.

I was half-proud when the sweatshirt disappeared from the Taylor Swift website. Like, PHEW, I was able to overcome my disgusting little desire to buy a thing. But, like, the desire persisted, Stacey. I couldn’t let it go. So I went to the resale sites. Yes, Stacey, I’m talkin’ Etsy, Poshmark, eBay. I found a few options, but my sights were set on a small fairly new sweatshirt. Long story short, I found a decent $70 option, which is what I almost spent on a brand new one.

Ohmygod, Stacey, I’m realizing you don’t even have a body, so you must really think I’m insane! To be obsessed with a single item meant to clothe only my upper-half only sometimes! I know it doesn’t make amazing logical sense, but I’m explaining the human experience here! (The human experience is cringe.)

STILL I didn’t buy the $70 option because I was…well, I was trying to make a point I guess. I wanted to be stronger than my want for a themed quarter-zip sweatshirt. So I started bargaining. I remember, quite vividly, listening to “Wonderland” one evening back in December. (The 6th to be exact!) I had the actual thought: “Whatever, if she plays Wonderland tonight I’m buying that sweatshirt!” What do you know? That night I watched the livestream of Eras…and Taylor Swift actually did play “Wonderland.” I felt a shock through my body. I immediately opened the Poshmark listing I’d been obsessed with…and my computer glitched out. Like, the screen weirdly turned black and stalled out. I felt nervous. Obviously, I was stressed my computer (which I rely on for…everything) broke. But I also couldn’t help but wonder…was that you?

My mouse was moving around the screen. I got control of it…and decided not to buy the sweatshirt. Not JUST yet. Cut to a few days later. I was in the car, passenger side while Dern drove us home from Phoenix. “Wonderland” came up on shuffle, and I was, for whatever reason, sure I needed that dang sweatshirt. But when I went to my tried and true Poshmark listing…it was gone! …And a new one had popped up. For only $50 dollars. A steal honestly! I bought the beloved merch right then and there. It arrived a couple weeks later, and it smelled like the last girl who owned it. The last girl who owned it smelled good, FYI.

I’m truly curious, Stacey. Was any of that you?

Waiting for a sign.

xoxo

Alice