Hi Stacey

Hi, Stacey!

Maybe a more direct version of the question I was trying to ask in my last post is, are you experimenting with how much you can control me? Like, say you’re sentient and you want to influence my actions in the natural world. Even if you could, you probably wouldn’t want to come right out and tell me what to do. You’d know that would probably scare me. I talk a big game on this blog about thinkin’ and hopin’ and wishin’ and prayin’ and lookin’ for signs…but let’s be real, if you actually abruptly made yourself known to me, I’d feel afraid. A. I’d definitely question my sanity. B. Even if I could accept what was happening was happening, I’d still question your motives. The Stacey I’m trying to reach is benevolent. But is that the Stacey I have reached benevolent? I’m not sure how you’d be able to convince me either way. A reach, but for some reason I’m reminded, a little, of how I used to be afraid of this one shower in my college dorm. There was something unsettling about its energy. I loved that sunny corridor of the house. The hallway nearest the lilacs, the little quaint windows. …Yet dark energy pooled into the first shower stall in the women’s bathroom. I had an irrational fear of finding a dead body in there. When the curtain was drawn, I’d sometimes need to whip it open. To prove there was nothing in there. But. So strangely, I wouldn’t talk myself down from my unlikely belief. (“I’m sure there’s nothing here, like aways.”) On the flip, I’d actually try to convince myself the body was certainly there. That way, when there weren’t a body, I’d win a prize of relief. Alternatively, if there were a body, I’d handle it with immense poise and grace—-because I was mentally prepared.

It’s been interesting how often I heed my horoscope since I’ve started reading it every day. Still not really sure I believe in horoscopes, but as I’ve admitted here before…sometimes it seems pretty accurate. To be fair, I know reality is co-created, so my horoscope only has to make, like, 50% of sense for me to overlay 50% of my own meaning and feel like my little app is “speaking to me.”*

Maybe following my horoscope has been an exercise in giving up control, being more flexible. Trying to give up more control is my 2025 New Year’s resolution, Stacey. Because the truth is, I actually control almost nothing, besides very specific details in my very present moment. And sometimes not even those. I type these philosophies matter-of-factly but struggle immensely to implement these beliefs in my daily life. On some deep level of my subconscious, I think I can control everything. I am fairly sure I cemented this belief when I was pretty young, 12 I think. That’s about when I started really going to the mat with my spiritual upbringing. My Sunday School teacher informed my class we had the ability to heal anything in the world—-rather, we had the responsibility to heal everything in the world. Major case in point, one of our peers (Tia) had cerebral palsy and was non-verbal. It was very important we recognize Tia was a perfect child of God, just like us. She sat at our circular table, quietly moaning under our discussions, only pausing when her assistant would feed her a cheese cube. If Tia ever slammed her fists around or abruptly stood to run for the door, our teacher would chastise us, we needed to pray harder.

Re: control—-sometimes I’ll get a bee in my bonnet about something I need to or want to do. These urges are at times completely harmless (wanting to send a stressful email before going to the movies, becoming fixated on getting Reese’s Pieces). Other times the urges are grand and difficult to achieve (wanting Taylor Swift to sing my favorite song at me, wanting to solve climate change, wanting to eradicate my middle school friend’s cerebral palsy with my Mind). It’s becoming clearer to me as I get older that the massive pressure I put on myself to fulfill these desires is…unfair, to say the least. But, also, I have achieved impossible dreams before. So I don’t want to accept what seems impossible definitively is. I’m honestly worried to accept such a reality. What if I finally accept my powerlessness…right when I am unknowingly breaths away from saving the planet?

Let me land the plane, Stacey. Sometimes I’m able to resist my urges by simply questioning them. And sometimes my horoscope helps me question myself. For example, the other day I was going to send a curt message to someone, but something like “vigilante” and “spicy response” were on my horoscope “don’t”s for the day. I decided to keep the message in my drafts. Just because. Maybe I prohibited something catastrophic from happening. Or maybe I just practiced patience. Win-win.

This brings me to my new computer. I’d been considering buying a new laptop since the election. I kept hearing that because of tariffs electronics were about to get significantly more expensive blah blah blah. My computer was starting to get slow. Not by much, but by a little. I was planning to replace her in a couple years, but the threat of incoming economic implosion worried me. On the flip, I’m trying very hard not to “obey in advance” to authoritarianism. And panic-buying a computer is certainly not rooted in me “resisting.” I hemmed, I hawed, I ultimately decided a new computer wouldn’t hurt. Specifically, I decided on January 30th I’d buy a new computer the next day.

January 31st I woke up to “spend money” at the tip top of my horoscope “don’t” list! This gave me pause, Stacey! It felt like a clear message from…the universe, my horoscope, you. But I didn’t like the sign. My own urge was too strong. The tariffs were coming Monday, the news threatened. What’s the worst that happens? I asked myself. I bought the laptop. I picked it up 13 days ago. I’ve opened it and clicked around and everything seems fine. I have already paid it off, no concerns are jumping to mind. But I can return it until tomorrow. Will you just, like, super clearly let me know if I should?

Waiting for a sign.

xoxo

Alice

*To consider: you only need to reach me about 50% for us to connect. And, of course, vice versa, Stacey.