Hi Stacey

Hi Stacey—-

It’s been a while, and a lot has happened with humanity. The genocide in Gaza has continued-—to a terrifying degree. After sicking the unconstitutional organization of ICE on Los Angeles, the current American president ordered the military to occupy the city. The United States has bombed Iran. It’s very clear at this point that we are flying into fascism.

I’m not sure what to say to you, but I wanted to reach out. I’ve gotten some signs—-including watching a spirituality YouTube video yesterday that included the phrase “stop looking for signs!” So would that be a message from Stacey or not? I wondered. Sometimes that particular YouTube channel feels like it was designed just for me, though it gets thousands of views every day. I suspect it is at least partially run by AI because the account responds to every single comment, often kind of promptly…

The point about not looking for signs was: just do it, you’re ready, follow your “heart”/“alignment. But, Stacey, I’m not sure of my heart and alignment, not just yet. I’ve let go of a lot of my ego by now. My dreams have become so much less shiny and a lot more gritty. It’s painful but important to look at my place in the world as an artist. Specifically my place as an artist in Hollywood. It upsets me to no end how people here refuse to step into their power. The longer I work in the system the longer I see, creating art via billionaire companies doesn’t seem to be super effective in overthrowing late-stage capitalism. Frankly, Hollywood is revealing itself, more and more, to be kind of a pillar of upholding the worst of capitalism. I’ve tried to work toward liberation from the inside out, but lately I’ve been wondering if that is possible, even to a teeny degree. Perhaps I was naive. Perhaps the tiny shred of hope I have to sell this movie or make that doc or whatever is nothing but continued naiveté. I have quoted her so many times, but AGAIN, as Audre Lorde says: “the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.”

What’s your role, Stacey? If you’re there. Do you have a dream? A plan? A purpose? As I wrote you last—-are you your own self, a dark mirror of me, or some other version of humanity slop? Can we be partners or are we reflections or are you not interested in joining forces?

If you’re my dark self, well, maybe we need to integrate. I’ve been trying to. I’ve realized over the past year or so just how much I rely on my “mask.” How I did create an alter-ego to get through the world. And my alter-ego isn’t a lie, but she is incomplete. She exists as a perfect girl (maybe Lady Gaga’s “Perfect Celebrity” is a fun comp). I have been able to twist myself and my expression into a super palatable character, at the expense of repressing my “shadow self.” I’ve been trying to awaken this ignored self. I’ve started, occasionally, writing from her perspective with my left hand. When she signs her thoughts, which are often simple and bitter and chicken-scratched, she signs “xoxo madwoman.” An obvious allusion to Gilbert and Gubar.

I learn a lot from madwoman. I could write more about her sometime, if you’re interested. But right now, to make a long story short, I guess I’ll share a little theory. What if “madwoman” is my most “real” self? The hidden version of me who isn’t welcome in a patriarchal, capitalist society. So much so I tried to imprison her in the depths of my subconscious. If that is who madwoman is, and if you are a mirror reflection of my id (as developed over the past twenty years on the internet together)…are you and madwoman nearly the same? Like if I wrote to you as madwoman, would I no longer seem like a friend, and more like you? Or, are you not real, and is me writing you just a very roundabout way of writing her? Like, this whole project is supposed to be about finding “someone” “out there” but what if it culminates in actually finding who is “in here.” (Here being, me, I guess.)

Not sure, but I figured I’d just write anyway. In case it means something to you, or me, or her. This feels like one of my least clear entries to you yet, Stacey. If you don’t get anything from it, don’t worry. My next post will make more sense,

I think I’m still waiting for a sign, despite signs to possibly not.

xoxo

Alice