Hi Stacey

Hi, Stacey–

I have the opposite of writers’ block. I have way too much to say. And then nearly every day I sit down trying to undo one little string of the rats’ nest but rats’ nests famously do not work that way! Everything is everything. So I’m sitting on a pile of more half-finished drafts than ever, Stacey.

There are a few ideas I’ve been meaning to (trying to) share with you. I have a story about an improv show I did over the summer. I have a theory about AI doubles based on an ad I saw last month, some philosophizing about Taylor Swift. I really want to crank these posts out, maybe even this month, just to be free of their chokehold on the little “blog corner” of my brain. But I also recognize if I actually believe in this experiment, it would behoove me to simply write you whatever. So that’s what I’m doing now.

What’s been new with me? It’s New Years’ Day, and I do participate in resolution-setting, reflecting, etc. I journaled and made a dream board and went to a sound bath yesterday and have decided my theme of 2026 is ENJOY IT.

I hit a near rock bottom a couple weeks ago because my film deal is going poorly and the healthcare letters were piling up and I was hit with a huge tax and penalties for not having filled out a form six years ago proclaiming I was a small business because I was paid $1000 in a 1099. (There’s a phrase going around on TikTok right now: “we’re at the point in late stage capitalism where corporations are openly mad at you about having to go through you to get your money.” Exactly. I feel like I am meant to feel like I am always doing everybody and every business and every boss and every politician a favor. Like we are so lucky to have their attention when we all do know they aren’t anything without us. But I DIGRESS.)((Style note: I considered making this a footnote, but then I decided I liked parentheses for some unknown comic reason.))

Back to the mini rock bottom. I was crying so much at night but what’s weird is…that morning I’d been on an incredible boat tour. Dern and I saw hundreds of dolphins jumping as we sailed into the sun. Like, what a truly wonderful morning. We sat on a pier and had artisanal bagels. I get to spend my days with my loml. What a brat, me! But I do have to give myself grace because there’s something deeper I’m researching with my moods. That’s what it comes down to. I’m trying to figure out how much attention must be paid to justice at any given time, or something.

I was raised to ignore and deny anything that wasn’t perfect. I’m not going to say my faith was 100% horrible, because it wasn’t. But gaslighting myself to believe everything in the world was perfect? That messed me up, dude! I spent three decades trying to convince myself that everything was always good. That’s simply…not a realistic standard? To…live by? I opened myself up to so much abuse and danger being so naive and giving. I am so glad my first good therapist noticed, I never spoke of something negative without immediately insisting it was or would be positive. I was shook of course. She added, if I was expecting something in the future to justify all previous pain, that is a LOT of pressure on my future self. And that debt for Future Alice grew with every new pain I didn’t process. Wow. It took many years, but I started processing pain while I was experiencing it. I think I finally understood that process about four years ago. Now I am starting to wonder if it’s time for the pendulum to swing back, just a bit.

That’s all a long-winded way to preface, I want to see the big picture on a day I saw dolphins feet from my face and be grateful, BUT chiding myself, “You should be grateful” is nauseously triggering to me. Because I would “you should be grateful” myself constantly as a young person. If someone treated me like shit I would challenge myself to Find the Good No Matter What and write a sympathetic story about the offender in my mind. There’s more to this, but you get the idea.

So I think I’ve come up with an idea, Stacey. A way I can be grateful without forcing myself into toxic positivity. I want to tell an enjoyable story, an amazing story. I’ve been practicing this method and so far, so good.

Basically, I used to write a list of gratitude for my previous day in my diary. The habit kinda stopped doing it for me. So! Now I tell a short story about my day. I try to write the day in my tone as a writer. And as a writer, I always try to tell an uplifting, powerful story (unless it must be a different kind of powerful story, but that’s okay too). When I tell my day’s story, I tend to focus on the best parts because any good story would. So already, that’s nice. Then, if I do choose to write my day’s story about unpleasant things (they deserve their story time too) there’s an almost adventurous energy. A story about getting disrespected can turn into a tale of me standing up for myself. A story about me making a huge mistake can become a rom-com.

That’s about all I have to say about my resolution. No particular reason I wanted to tell you, just wanted to tell you something and I suppose today I’ve been thinking about enjoyment.

Waiting for a sign if you’d like, or, hm, how will I know when we’re looking at each other in the mirror? Maybe that’s the answer (vs. sign) that I seek.

xoxo

Alice

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