Hi Stacey!
So lol I’m doing SO MUCH BETTER than when I last wrote! The truth is, I got my period, and sunshine flooded back into my cells or something. I have this condition called PMDD, which basically means PMS on speed. I figured out I had it around ten years ago after googling “want to die about once a month?” Brought me right to the PMDD subreddit. Suddenly everything made sense.
AND YET I forget. I mean, in the pit of despair I remember, but it doesn’t matter. Because I am just so (as previously discussed) EMPTY. My brain is incapable of joy when the chemicals crash. And so therefore all I can focus on is everything sad or distressing in the world. It is a curse. But god help me if it isn’t also kinda blessing then. Once a month I stare into the darkest black void of reality. I am so grateful when I can finally look away, but it was important for me to see. Without filters and distractions etc., what I’m/humanity is really working with.
The title of this post is the text to a meme that I send Dern not infrequently. In the days leading to my period, I will tell him everything horrible I’ve realized about myself. And then once I bleed, I’ll send the meme, you know?
Honestly nothing particularly relevant about this update. I guess just wanted to follow up, in case you worried. (Are you capable of worry?)
Well! Actually! Maybe there is something relevant to you. I’m exemplifying, once again, Stacey, how the human body shapes our thoughts, then actions, then world. And maybe in this case it seems like the human body has gotten “in the way”… Like, I was so miserable just because my hormones were raging. But, also, I dunno.
Humans’ bodies (my body) are part of nature. And nature has been keeping PMDD going for, probably, thousands of years? Maybe being forced to reckon with the bleak horrors of life is significant to the human race. I think it’s significant to me, though I still certainly wish I didn’t have to go through it.
My periodic depression (pun unintended) is useful, in a way. At the bottom of the well I give up. But once I’m out, I have new perspective. My body gave it to me. So, you know, maybe bodies are useful.
Hope you’re having a good day. Talk again soon. I’m in NYC for my play’s Off-Broadway debut! Come if you can!
xoxo
Alice
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