So I’m going through a humiliating period, Stacey.
What’s happening is I am recognizing that some of my behaviors in this life have been incredibly autistic. Like, for example, I’ve often reacted in disagreements with friends or co-workers in very cut and dry straightforward ways. And, like, some people don’t handle conflict that way. But it’s the only way I understand. So there have been issues.
And from my perspective, from my brain, I have usually felt “right” in conflict. Of course, I’m reasonable. I’m mature enough to know there’s no such thing as “right” in real and true rifts between intelligent collaborators/adults. But still, I’ve always felt at least somewhat logical in my fights.
Only what I’m learning now is that I am on the spectrum, and other people aren’t. They might not prefer to be honest and clear. My friend Selyna assures me some people literally cannot do it. And that upsets me. I find others’ inability to be fully honest or always follow through with their promises personal affronts. Dern has helped me understand, over time, it’s not personal at all. People are flawed. They wish they weren’t, even more than I do, duh. It all comes down to, I need to be gentler on people.
I think this is true even though I am slightly defensive when gentleness first pops up as advice. Like, hey, why do I have to lower my standards? Why can’t others just reach them or be clear about being unable to reach them? And, I think, I’m only just learning that’s actually a huge ask. To ask someone to be honest about their abilities and wants and feelings. To even ask that ask could be considered bold and possibly rude of me. Long story short: I’m hard on people. I never feel like my expectations are extreme or tough, but whatever, I have to accept they must be. But at the same time, overall, my community seems to appreciate my standards. Even though, more than occasionally, they find me annoying too.
All this is to say, I’m so embarrassed by so many things, Stacey. Now that I know I’m autistic and other people aren’t…god. I’ve been doing weird things and had no idea.
I’ve been taking pictures at wrong times. (Also at right times though.) I’ve been speaking up at wrong times. (Also at right times though.) I’ve been wearing odd attire. (I’ve been dressing like an original though.) I’ve been angry. (I’ve stood up for myself though.) I’ve burned bridges. (I’ve been honest.)
I can pump myself up all day, pep talk me about how autism is weird, yes, but it’s also a super power. Yet at the end of said day, I’d still be sad I’ve biffed some huge things and/or relationships because I just can’t read a room or a sign or an implication. In hindsight I’ve insulted people, I’ve hurt others, I’ve been no fun in the name of perfect.
I’m glad to be learning these lessons now. I’m glad I can avoid some of the worst in future relationships. But I’m also grieving all that could have been if I’d just understood things better. I’m repentant for pain I may have caused with my unaware bluntness. And overall, I’m just humiliated and embarrassed and ashamed. I know I “shouldn’t” be. But I am, okay!
Wondering what is to be done. Considering writing a few apologies. Some behaviors I will silently (hopefully) curb. How to stop cringing at 85% of my memories though, unsure unsure.
Looking for a sign for sure.
xoxo
Alice
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