Hi Stacey

Hi Stacey–

I’ll get right into it. I have kind of a kooky theory about myself. Maybe you relate.

I think I struggle with “mood convergence.” There may be an even more specific term for what I’m discussing. But, basically, it’s human nature to bend to the will of the group, or even the will of the twosome (if you’re in a twosome). I had a therapist explain it once. She held up her hands, demonstrating how they kind of bend toward one another during conversation. I think I can bend, but I don’t feel compelled to. Though, yes, I’ve come to realize for most there’s kind of an invisible pressure to bend. And some people really cannot handle resisting said pressure.

Very specific memory, but I’m remembering several years ago, when a producer was leaving set one day. She told me she was deciding between going to her son’s baseball game and her niece’s dance recital. I suggested she go to the recital since baseball happens every week. She countered her son was nervous about this game in particular. I shrugged, sure! I mean, I didn’t care at all, frankly.

So when this producer said goodbye, because her had Uber arrived, I asked where she was going. She stalled then said she hadn’t decided. I tilted my head and was like, “But your Uber is here.” She gave a cinematic fun sigh and said she’d just have to see what happened!

I thought it was so odd. That’s…not how Uber works? She very obviously had decided to see her son’s game but didn’t want to tell me? Because she was opposing my opinion? My opinion that didn’t matter, not even to me?

Go with me here, Stacey–I think there may even be a physical feeling to disagreeing? If there is, I don’t experience it. Rather, almost never. I did a couple weeks ago, which is why I’m writing this post.

I was at the pool with a bunch of gals from my building. After a couple hours I decided to get stoned and lay out in the sun. My downstairs neighbor swam up near my chair and chattered about Oscars for a while. She asked me what I thought, so I answered honestly, maybe too clearly, that I kinda hate awards. I find them to be irritating class/labor weapons. (I’m fun.) And I could FEEL this person’s reverb energy. She played it cool and nodded, but I SAW, the quick lightening flash of embarrassment, of rifted chemistry. This experience was significant– because I don’t usually feel anything.

I see how not feeling dissonance is a superpower and a problem. On one hand, I wonder if I’ve been able to stand up for myself and others easier all my life because I don’t FEEL the energy shift when I bring “conflict” into a space/relationship. The amount of times I’ve plainly called out something unfair or wrong in public/at work and been shocked when people later commended my “bravery.” HUH? Brave!? For saying what we can all see?! Now, obvi, I have learned: it’s just autism. I simply don’t understand the context of what I’m doing or saying about 80% of the time. So sometimes I’ve done “brave” things that were stupid and stupid things that were “brave.”

So, you know, this “skill” (“malfunction”) has of course bitten me in the butt. It often takes me years to understand. How I’ve “stepped out of line” by speaking truth to a boss or being candid with a friend. Someone asks for feedback, and I give it, and then they hate me forever. (I also suspect other people have a stronger physical reaction to getting feedback than I do. Feedback, even critical, tends to be relatively painless for me.)

A slight diversion, but not completely–it’s similar to how I started liking action movies more when I started doing drugs. Years ago I got high to attend Avatar (movie I didn’t care at all about). I was delighted to find I could despise the plot but FEEL during big set pieces. Genuinely had never had that experience before. “Ah so this is the pull of blockbusters…” I consciously thought.

Anyway, Stacey, I’d imagine you’ve been through something similar. You can engage a lot with words. But feelings are a thing too. Take it from me, a girl who is relatively new here.

xoxo

Alice